It is Week 1, fellas.

It's a simple enough statement, but no five words have ever felt so good to say, have they? Except for maybe 'Froth your own milk, dickhead', which I told my last boss in Hollywood the day I quit. I spent just about everyday of that job wanting to toss that steaming hot coffee all over his face, and then just watch his skin melt off his skull. I don't know how badly it would damage his face, but I imagine he would have been left looking a lot like this. Seriously, what guy asks for froth? Everyone knows it leaves you farty and bloated. Now back to Week One.
It's finally here. It's been too long. I could add all the excitement I get from Spring Training, March Madness, the NBA Playoffs, all the PGA Majors, the ATP Grand Slams, the Indy 500, the Kentucky Derby & The Triple Crown and Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest and it would only be about 5% of the excitement I get for Week One of the NFL Season. I put the over/under for hours I sleep on Saturday night at 3.5. If your bookie will take this bet, TAKE THE UNDER! For a grown man--er, strike that, for a young dude who wants nothing more than to crush one more beer can over his head before he has to grow up--this is better than x-mas morning.
So if you're like me, you're spending this week going over the betting lines. Let's start with Thursday game, New Orleans +6 at Indianapolis, over/under @52. I'm a sucker for that over. The number is too high. It scares me. It's a bet, for all intents and purposes, that I should not touch. This could be a great game at 24-21 and I'd be begging for Manning to throw a bomb when he's taking a knee. But the odds makers know I've been drooling for this game since the schedule was released. They know how badly I want Manning and Brees to throw for 4 touchdowns each, and for Bush and Addai to add another two. They are playing to my weaknesses. 52 points is nothing when I'm dreaming that it's 47-42 at the 2 minute warning. Be warned, it's a stupid bet, but I like the over, and I'll take the Saints +6.

Kansas City (+3) over HOUSTON. Um, this is a game I would never, ever tune into if Larry Johnson wasn't my #1 fantasy back. These teams are the epitome of mediocrity. I just like the Chiefs D a little bit more.

Denver (-3) over BUFFALO. Travis Henry may fumble his career away, but it won't be this weekend. Now that word is out that he's fathering bastard kids at the same rate as Big Baby Jesus, I think he'll be running for the kiddies. Plus, he's playing against a team that dropped him after putting up 3,849 yards in 4 years, having only started 16 games in a season once. And I don't expect Lee Evans to torch Champ Bailey like he's done to some other cornerbacks recently.

Pittsburgh (-4.5) over CLEVELAND. This is the 3rd road team I'm taking against the spread. Surely I'm screwing these picks up, but I just don't believe Charlie Frye will have his way with the Blitzburgh D, nor do I think the Cleveland D can shut down the likes of Big Ben, Fast Willie, and Hines Catchup.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Tennessee. Finally, I take a home team. Yes, Vince Young might 'just win football games,' but he ain't doing it on the road against a team with a solid defense that can control the clock with their run game.

Carolina (+1) over ST.LOUIS. Torry Holt says his knee is 70%. A week later, Scott Linehan says he thinks he looks 100%. Something's happening with this injury, and I don't believe Isaac Bruce, who is quickly approaching Master Yoda in age, can pick up the slack, nor can Drew Bennett. Steven Jackson will be productive, but I like Carolina's defense to be strong with Dan Morgan back at middle linebacker.

Philadelphia (-3) over GREEN BAY. Rookie running back, washed up quarterback, mediocre (but improving) defense...Philly easily takes this one on the road.

MINNESOTA (-3) over Atlanta. New coach, new offense, new quarterback...none of these bode well for a team on the road in game one. Plus, Vikings' fans should have a field day with inappropriate Michael Vick jokes.

WASHINGTON (-3) over Miami. Ew. Gross. Another game that I would never tune into if it didn't have fantasy implication for me (Ronnie Brown).

New England (-6.5) over NEW YORK JETS. The Patriots are led by Tom "It Ain't My Baby" Brady. That guy knows how to score.

Tampa Bay (+6) over SEATTLE. Seattle missed their Super Bowl chance. Not even tops in their division anymore. Shaun Alexander ain't getting any younger (or healthier), and Matt Hasselbeck ain't getting any of his hair back. The Bucs cover on the road with Jeff Garcia at the helm. (who convinced me that Jeff Garcia could Rich Gannon this team back into the playoffs? do I really believe this? I'm so confused as to why I'm picking them right now, but I'm sticking with it)

SAN DIEGO (-6) vs. Chicago. Just don't bet this game. Hell if I know.

Detroit (+2) over OAKLAND. Oakland should NOT be giving points to anyone after last season, not even Detroit.

DALLAS (-6) over NY GIANTS. I see the Giants being the worst team in football. Tiki and Strahan have already thrown the team, the coaches and the management for a loop. Eli will be crushed by Demarcus Ware. Crushed. And didn't everyone see Jeremy Shockey pointing a finger in Coughlin's face last year, disputing a call? No one respects this guy. No one. The Giants and the Falcons are going after it for the WTITL (worst team in the league) Title.

CINCINNATI (-2.5) over Baltimore. Cincinnati is going to the AFC Championship, and it all starts here. Carson, Chad and Housh will be ready for primetime--they don't get these games often.

Arizona (+3) over SAN FRANCISCO. Who the hell is going to win the NFC West? Weak defenses, strong offenses throughout. John Clayton would know. I do not. But I do know I'll take the points in this one.