"I'm pretty much one of the weirdest guys you'll ever meet." - American Idol

The freaks, the weirdoes, the kids that sit alone at lunch playing Magic the Gathering, these are the contestants that Simon, Paula and Randy (and we!!!) must endure in the early episodes of Idol. Every once in while, we’re given someone with talent, or someone that Simon and Randy thinks is hot, but we’re mostly left to laugh at the kids whose books I used to knock from their hands between 4^th and 5^th periods.

Let’s face it: the last two seasons of Idol have been subpar. The ratings are there still, obviously, but something has just been missing since Carrie Underwood won. As Simon predicted, she has gone on to the biggest Idol ever, and I think all those who have followed have fallen short. Anyway, here’s to hoping that we’re blessed with a real Idol this year.

Opening night in Philadelphia. We get a hodge podge history lesson about Philly, capped off with the signature Rocky statue shot. Speaking of…is Stallone really coming out with Rambo next week? Notice the one sheets on this movie? Some grainy pseudo-graffiti portrait? I guess the studio thought it was better than using his real mugshot.

Rather than go through each contestant in these audition rounds, I’ll just blow through some of the highlights.

Joey Catalona has the honor of being our first contestant. Joey has lost a tremendous amount of weight, some 200 pounds. He doesn’t have that horrific Skeletor look of Star Jones, so I’m going to give him the benefit of doubt and assume he did it surgery free. As Joey walks in the room, and Paula comments on his weight loss, Randy won’t pick up his head – Joey has lost more weight than him. You can tell Randy is jealous, but he likes his surprisingly good singing, and puts him through. He exits the room, but not before Simon gets in a jab: “He looks hungry.” I’ve missed the wily Brit.

Alaa Youkeem, or as his ‘friends’ call him, “Uka”. This Egyptian is hilarious. He’s got a gap in his teeth wider than the Nile, but I can’t tell for the life of me if he’s for real. This dude could be doing the best impression of Borat we’ve seen since that movie’s release. It's a joke of performance, and the judges reject him.

James Lewis is a tour-guide. He likes interacting with people. But when he sings, he sounds like a Wookie. Funny thing is, I think I could actually understand Chewbacca better. Paula laughs first, and then Randy loses it. Only Simon holds it together, and he just stares, dumbfounded.

Insert Season 7's first montage of shite singers. There's not much to do with these audition episodes. The show basically gives us a good singer, a bad singer, a montage. Rinse, repeat. Whatever, I knew this going in, and I'm thankful I didn't have to sit through days of auditions.

Next, we get a three in a row that are all heading to Hollywood:

Junot Joyner comes up and does a great version of “The Blues” by Elton John.

Jose Candelaria. Sounded great, looks like Jennifer Lopez’s husband, only younger. From here on out, we’ll call him El Cantante.

Jonathan Baines, stale white boy, solid voice, a lock for Hollywood.

American Idol wants me to believe that Temptress Brown is 16 and she plays middle linebacker. No freakin’ way. Then again, it makes sense, she could be a man. Her hair definitely looked like a wig to me. Her mom is fat, like bed-ridden fat. Or, in this case, wheelchair-ridden fat. It’s sad, but man, collectively, this mother and daughter weigh over ton. Temptress sings for the judges; too bad her voice isn’t that big. She’s awful. She makes hilarious faces as she starts to cry, holding back the tears. Everyone hugs her because the girl was really sweet, but those faces were great, I am still kind of snickering. Simon sits, then gets up and leads her out. Stand up move, Simon.

Mark Hayes' segment starts with him showing that he can whistle, re-creating the sounds of crickets. You can just tell this will come back to haunt him. Within a minute, he's sung "White Christmas" horrifically, and the judges just stare. Cue cricket noises. Great editing there.

Udi. Remotely funny dancing. I love when people say ‘all of my co-workers encouraged me to audition.” I’d be that same asshole, daring the fuckface who sits across the cubicle from me, just so I can make fun of them when Simon rips into them.

Montage of “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll." Freak shows. Each weirder than the last.

Alexis Cohen. First major freakshow of the season. Star earrings, crazy glittery makeup. Says people compare her to Janis Joplin and Pat Benetar. The editors of this show should really get some awards. They have single handedly ruined this girl. Granted, she gave them some good material, but Simon doesn’t even need to open his mouth, she’s done for. In the end, Simon nails it, saying the performance ‘seemed possessed, like she was channeling the singers’. Then Simon caps it off, comparing her looks to that of Willam Dafoe. You know you’re a fucking ugly woman if you get comparison. As she rants afterwards, she declares “I’m going to actressing. I am going to be an actress.” Riiiight.

American Idol tear jerker. Fucking sad stories. I hate these moments, I’d rather be laughing at someone. This is such a sad story, everyone is crying, and now my eyes are watering. Again, great editing. Angela Martin. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. I don’t like it. It’s pretty fake. Simon agrees, makes some adjustments, and she’s through.

Montage of screaming. Brutal, horrific, screaming.

Benjamin walks into the audition in a cloak. Underneath, he’s dressed as Leia, slave to Jabba. He’s fat and hairy. I think it’s pretty funny, but Paula does not. “I can’t get past the hair, it’s like a centerpiece of hair.” Ben leaves to get waxed...

In the meantime, Paul Maturano steps up with an original song he wrote for Paula. The lyrics are pretty funny, all them rhyming with this first line: "I’m not much of a talker, so I’ll just stalk her." Paul throws in some good ones, but my favorite is "if she were a bathtub, I’d caulk her."

Benjamin comes back now, freshly waxed. Doesn't take Simon long for him to dismiss him.

Chris Watson is a no brainer. Black dude looks like a lady, but he’s singing Uncle Kracker. He’s got a great voice, and Simon sums it up: ‘the chicks will like you.’ Could be the first year that the ‘good looking boy band’ guy is black. We’ve had Ace Young and Chris Richardson advance well past their talent level, based solely on teenage girls voting for their looks, and now it’s Chris Watson’s turn.

Before we wrap up episode one, we've got another Princess Leia impersonator. She's god awful, and Simon gives it to her straight, telling her as she leaves: "give my love to the wookie."

Great singing was hard to come by in episode one, but if I had a gun to my head, I'd say Junot Joyner was the best of the evening.

See y'all in Dallas tomorrow night.